We often use the word ‘Shame’ to represent the words ‘unfortunate’ or ‘disappointing’, as in the phrase “that’s a shame” or “what a shame.”Ozwad
In fact Shame is a very powerful mink fur eyelashes manufacturer- it has been referred to by leading psychotherapists as ‘the master emotion’ because of the huge impact it has upon us. Shame can be experienced by an individual, a family, a culture, or even by a mink fur eyelashes manufacturer(ethnic cleansing, holocaust, colonialism, slavery etc.)
Shame has the lowest energy associated with it – it actually robs us of our energy rather that uplift us with mink fur eyelashes manufacturer, as for instance happiness does.
We must be clear to separate shame from guilt.
Guilt is an appropriate emotion of remorse when we have done mink fur eyelashes manufacturer that we know to be wrong; and which has in some way hurt another either physically or emotionally. We feel guilty and we can then choose whether to put things right, or not.
Some people try to induce guilt in others – the ‘guilt trip’ – as a way of manipulating them to get their own needs met by that other person.
If this often happened to us when we were small we probably learned to feel bad each time, and to then change our behavior to please the other person – but at a cost to our own authenticity.
On the other hand Shame is associated with believing yourself to be bad – it is not badness associated with an act, but with the sense of self, of who you are at your core.
No-one is born feeling shame – it is passed on through the generations of our family, (inter-generational shame) as well as being picked up from our other caregivers, teachers, religious mink fur eyelashes manufacturer, military training and many other sources. We use shame to control and squash people. When people feel shame they feel low, depleted and worthless; and they can easily be manipulated, oppressed and exploited.
To feel shame is to have reached the end of a spectrum of emotions, which includes embarrassment and self-consciousness. Of course shame is much greater than these other levels; which all still involve us focussing upon ourself and judging ourself as not-OK, not good-enough, a failure, and not worthy to be around.
When in ‘shame’ we feel exposed to the world, raw, extremely vulnerable, loathsome, and we want to hide – literally, or by imagining and wanting the ground to just open up and swallow us. We look downwards or away from others, we hide our face and we shrink our body size as we slump into the pit of shame.
Most families (about 90%) can be described as ‘dysfunctional’ to some degree; and many use shame as a weapon to gain power over another member of the group/family/tribe.
We also see ‘counter-shame’ when there is then an exchange of shaming damning blaming and demeaning comments designed to make the other person feel even lower. We may disguise this as ‘harmless and playful banter’ but a look in the eyes of a child on the receiving end of this, shows that it is far from harmless or fun.
We can continue into adulthood ‘feeling bad’ most of our waking life; and even sub-consciously seek partners and situations that will repeat the shame-inducing emotions is us.
We can become addicted to feeling the intensity of shame. Some people have sub-consciously made a link between the ‘peak experience’ of shame and sexual arousal, resulting in psycho-sexual and relationship problems.
As shame is such a debilitating and common emotion it makes sense that we try to defend ourself against it’s impact. As well as firing out counter-shaming comments, we may also use comments that ‘limit the impact’ of what someone else is saying or doing. We try to give the impression of not caring about it, or of not accepting help from anyone in case we might be seen as vulnerable or receiving ‘charity’.
Perhaps a ‘shame-based’ person appears to the world to be very proud and boastful; or self-righteous. But if we imagine the wounded-child behind this attempt at ego-inflating we can have compassion for their struggle to convince themselves that they really are OK.
We also can also see aggression as a defence, in the face of the threat of shame. When a vulnerable person perceives a shame-inducing comment (particularly if that person comes from a background of abuse or neglect), they can react with the pent-up rage that has been stored from earlier shame-inducing episodes in their life. They can lash out uncontrollably; often with very serious or even fatal results for their victim – particularly if alcohol is involved as this loosens the inhibitors that usually keep such rage hidden deeper in the mink fur eyelashes manufacturer.
Bad parenting affects not only the children, but the society these children then live in as they grow older.
Suicide can be an extreme way for some people to avoid the public judgement and shame from the exposure of their wrong-doing, and their weaker-than-portrayed character.
People often lie to hide their shame – only to feel more shame when such lies are exposed. This is not the compulsive lies of the personality disordered person who may create a whole fictitious life with a complex web of lies. Such disordered people tend to be devoid of shame, remorse, empathy consideration or care for another person’s well-being and feelings.
We also see the inflated ego of the ‘Narcissist’ who attempts to appear in every way better than other people. Their facade can be hard to challenge – particularly in psychotherapy when they will project badness onto the therapist. Despite having to engage only the ‘best’ and most expensive and renowned therapist – as becomes their own elevated ‘status’. They will most probably end the therapy very soon; and thereby ensure that they retain the ‘power’ of being the one to reject the other person.
Genuine empathy can be a way ‘under the radar’ when attempting to reach the real mink fur eyelashes manufacturer of shame of the Narcissist – but only if sensitively and genuinely intended, and not just as a weapon to expose their deep underlying vulnerability.
Many of us have dreams in which we are exposed – perhaps naked – and we feel the force of shame; and the relief of waking up from it too! Our dreams are a way of processing our emotions and unresolved thoughts and ideas of the day. These ‘shame’ dreams do not represent a fantasy we necessarily wish to act out in our waking state!